“In Norse mythology, a valkyrie (from Old Norse valkyrja “chooser of the slain”) is one of a host of female figures who choose those who may die in battle and those who may live.” – Wikipedia

I was speaking lately to my ex-colleague. I will call her Valkyrie. Valkyrie has burnt out… 

I was very surprised! While we were still working together 2 years ago, I remember her happy face, tons of beautiful words about the new place she got a job offer from, her ‘romantic’ highly energetic mood, the same when one gets in love with someone.

I was curious how did that happen, and when exactly did happen that switch from a happy relationship with Valkyrie’s job to a toxic environment she cannot handle anymore?

As Valkyrie explained it all started with a conflict at work. A classical conflict, when people try to push their ideas and needs through, thinking that others must follow their brilliant productive way of working to achieve the results.

It all started with a conflict at work.

Results… What any manager, professional wants? Exactly that. The Results. By results we measure our success, how far we are from reaching some goal, how much stuff is left, what could be changed, who could help us to get results sooner, more results, better results, outstanding results, etc.

It is certainly understandable. When we invest our efforts, resources, and when we are honest with ourselves, and, thus, feeling responsible, we want the return on our investments that provides us with the feeling of accomplishment. That feeling of accomplishment increases our fulfillment and just makes us happier so that we want to deliver more, better, ‘faster, higher, stronger’.

Since I know Valkyrie for almost 3 years, I was lucky to observe her at the previous workplace. I used my time machine to fly back in time, 2 years back, to 2017. 

Valkyrie is a result-oriented, pushy person. She works hard, works a lot and maintains high standards to the work. You are probably familiar with the term of a workaholic. Valkyrie converts to a workaholic when she gets stressed. She gets stressed when something gets done not the way she thinks it must be done, when it happens not as fast as Valkyrie has imagined to herself, or not done at all. She would try to push things through, becoming highly emotional, reactionary, ready to fight. Her colleagues would become defensive. She would fight back. ‘All would have died’. Graveyard. È finita la commedia. Fin (The End).

What is the solution, you may ask? How to make Valkyrie happy again? How to make her colleagues productive and willing to cooperate? How to get the ‘best in class’ results faster?

There are many ways in my opinion. However, it will take time, planning, effort and, most importantly, big wish to improve things, take leadership when no one else wants to, be wiser, more mature. Let is break down the set of issues and take them one-by-one. 

You may change someone’s behavior by changing yours first.

Valkyrie must work on herself. It may sound as a cliché. To ‘work on herself’ includes changes to boundaries, attitude, ambitions, perfectionism, expectations, balance, etc. Big bunch. There is certainly another, easier, solution (if Valkyrie has enough savings on her bank account), i.e. to quit her job. However, there can be a better way, since I think such situation will repeat at the other workplace, or personal relationship. Quality of every relationship, be that personal or professional, can be seen as a reflection of ourselves. We may not be happy with the outcome. But can we 100% be sure that our input is tolerated as encouraging, possessing to the productive cooperation?

There can be a better way.

Valkyrie’s colleagues are different people. Even Valkyrie’s sisters and brothers by blood are different people. They may, most probably unconsciously, take on the dress of children when their parent, Valkyrie, is not pleased with the children’s quality of work, with the speed of delivery, etc.

The important moment here is to recognize and accept that we cannot, and we may not, change the other people. It is their personal responsibility, responsibility for their work, for their life. Remain within your own boundaries. We may try to influence them, help them, cooperate with them. But we should not try to push them, to verbally attack them, etc. This is contra productive, toxic and does not contribute to a productive fulfilling cooperation. Remain within your boundaries.

The 4 rules to simplify and detox your life.

I started to incorporate the following ‘rules’ in my life:

1. Nobody owes you anything.
2. Do what you want to do. Do not do what you do not want to do.
3. When you do not like something, say it immediately. Say it only once. If the same situation repeats, quit.
4. When you speak to someone about your relationship with them, speak for yourself, your feelings, how you would like to improve something, not someone.

I am not 100% there yet. However, I am excited about how these simple, yet not easy to implement, rules already ease my relationships with people and clarify various aspects of my life. These rules detox, they simplify, they unblur the sight, they eliminate illusions.  

Valkyrie’s Expectations

When we apply the rule ‘Nobody owes you anything’, we see the expectations do not make sense anymore. Valkyrie may ask for something. But she should not expect it. When she does not expect, she can focus back on her stuff leaving what she had asked to other people. Ping-pong ball has just jumped to the other side of the table.

Nobody owes you anything.

If the situation persists, if no required changes follow, Valkyrie would either have to quit her job (when applying the 1st rule “Do not do what you do not want to do”), or forget about what she had asked, or speak to her manager to mutually find the suitable solutions, or take a coaching way of working. Somebody may call it as ‘babysitting’. I call it coaching. Indeed, Valkyrie is not paid to be a coach. She may not even have coaching experience. It must be her own choice, her decision to learn a new skill, if she wants to remain happy and fulfilled at her current workplace.

Changes take time. People, in general, are slow in changing ‘just’ their behavior. They may be unsure, unwilling, indecisive, uncooperative, unconscious, not reflective, etc. Thus, it is important to take the first step: to stop expecting and accept the situation as it is. 

Valkyrie’s Perfectionism

Valkyrie is a great professional in her field. She knows ins and outs of her profession.

Her perfectionism, though, affects her life and well being. She sees dreams about her work at night. Valkyrie wakes up around 6:00 in the morning still tired, drinks a cup of coffee to boost her energy, listens to her favorite tracks on Spotify, plans her day, thinking of the unfinished issues at work, processing thoughts about her annoying colleagues.

The vicious cycle. Every day is a D-Day.

She works like a hell bee during the day, making sure everything is done perfectly as she sees and expects. Every day is a D-Day. She quickly flies from one office to the other, ensuring things are done according to her expectations, saying out loud what she thinks when things are not as expected. At 12:00 in the afternoon she grabs some snack to quickly fill in her alarming stomach. She arrives home around 20:00, cooks something fast, and gets back to her laptop to continue working… until around 23:30 when she is dead tired, and her wings are heavy. She goes to sleep and watches ‘dreamed movies’ about her work, unfinished stuff, deadlines, conflicts at work, etc. This picture repeats on-and-on, daily. It is called Their Majesty Stress.

As you may see, the vicious cycle I have described is the source for Valkyrie’s burn out. The core of this cycle is the absence of the healthy boundaries. When we do not set boundaries, we get into the trapping spiral, at best, and, at worst, into the vicious cycle of events draining our precious energy, i.e. health, shortening our life. 

Valkyrie’s Balance & Boundaries

Let is break the vicious cycle described previously into pieces and make some adjustments within what is possible already now.

START OF THE DAY.

Waking up at 6:00.

Boundary 1: No coffee. Water, ideally slightly warm water with lemon or ginger.

Boundary 2: No thoughts about work until you get to the actual office! Think of interesting things, read something inspiring, giving energy and positive thoughts for the start of the day.

DURING THE DAY.

No coffee during the day. Or reduce the number of cups progressively. We do not want the quick spikes of glucose (sugar) in the blood. Sooner the spike, sooner you will get tired and will need another dosage of liquid drug. You will be hooked on this killing drug, on this vicious cycle. Drink warm water with lemon or ginger instead regularly.

Boundary 3: If you do not like how others do something, take time to reflect. Do not allow yourself any communication about that, yet. Let it be the way it is: assholes, s*cking, f*cking idiots, etc. but while being alone or, at maximum, in the gym facing the punching bag!

Ask yourself: What do you feel right now? Then verbally answer your own question, just the way you feel. This is called self-psychotherapy or healing self-talk. Once your mind hears your own words, it calms down, since you have just pronounced what you feel (e.g. anger, sadness, helplessness, etc.). With this little trick you will save your energy and get more time to reflect and see other perspectives and may be possibilities for a constructive conversation.

EOD. END OF THE DAY

Boundary 4: Around 17:30 pack your stuff and go home. Work is over for today! Even if your boss thinks the opposite. Set your boundary.

Boundary 5: No matter what (even if the world is going to die), go to sleep at 22:00. No screens in your bed. It is a sleep time and a safe place to relax and re-charge.

Start implementing your boundaries one-by-one gradually, no rush, no stress. If you are not used to setup boundaries, it may take some time for you and conscious honest wish to implement them for your own benefit and well-being for the long-term. 

Valkyrie’s Attitude

alkyrie may not like how others work. She may not to accept their attitude or quality of work. She wants them to work the same way she does, to put stress, urgency on things. Her colleagues call Valkyrie pedantic.

It is healthy to have emotions.

Can Valkyrie force them to be like herself? She cannot. It does not work. Valkyrie’s colleagues get into fight-or-flight mode once Valkyrie gets emotional. Can Valkyrie be not emotional? She can but it is not healthy. She is a human being. It is healthy to have emotions. However, it is in Valkyrie’s authority and interest to control her emotions without getting into emotional rage, without hurting other people. Remember, everyone is different. Nobody owes you anything.

Boundary 6: Start with yourself. There are many ways to express emotions ecologically. The simplest one is to verbally describe what you feel (without accusing anybody!), to pronounce your feelings verbally, first, to yourself, and accept them. You have the right to feel what you feel.

You have the right to feel what you feel.

Boundary 7: When you decide to speak to your colleagues, speak for yourself. As Marshall Rosenberg (the American psychologist, the author of ‘Nonviolent Communication‘ book) proposed, use the formula “Observation – Feelings – Needs – Requests”.

Observation – Feelings – Needs – Requests

For example: I see you are looking away while I am talking. (Observation) Are you feeling bored? (Feeling) If the answer is yes, you might bring up your own feeling and propose an action. For example: When you look away when I am talking, I feel disrespect. (Feeling) I need your attention. (Need) How about to move our conversation to another time? (Request)

You are not talking about someone’s personality here but about their behavior, the way it affects your feelings, the harm you get, etc. This approach does not guarantee your colleagues will change immediately. With a high probability they will not, at least right away. But someone of you should start the change. Remember, change will take time. 

Valkyrie’s Emotions

Can emotions be good or bad? In my opinion emotions cannot have an appraisal mark. Emotions are just emotions. You just have them. The appraisal connotation is usually given by someone who does not recognize or accept a certain emotion. You may feel happiness. You may feel sadness or anger. You feel what you feel.

It is rather important to recognize what you feel and put that into the ‘appropriate’ form, depending on where you are, what situation you are in, and, most importantly, what you want to achieve.

Wrap emotions into the appropriate form.

Do you want to motivate? Express yourself. Do you want to resolve a conflict? Express yourself. Do you want to live a healthy life? Express yourself. But find the appropriate form.

You may make a mistake. That is alright. Your opponent may become defensive. It just means you must adjust your approach, to be more mature, or wise, if you will. Observe their reaction. Do not react back. Do not fight back. It may not be about you. It may be about them. They just might not know how to handle their emotions ecologically.

Imagine, a TED talk. The stage. The speaker is giving a speech without any emotions, just a monotonous talk. Would you be able to listen to it for more than 2 minutes? I bet you would switch to another speech if you are on YouTube or leave the hall or get asleep. 

So, wrap your emotions into the appropriate form.

Valkyrie’s Words

Emotions are powerful. Very powerful, just as the words. 

I like the poem of the Soviet poet Vadim Shefner from 1930s about the power of the words (translated from Russian):

There are words – like wounds, words – like a court,

With them, people do not surrender and do not take prisoners.

You can kill with a word, you can save with a word.

With a word, you can take armies to follow you.

With a word, you can sell, and betray, and buy.

A word can be transformed into a smashing lead.

Start changes with yourself and in yourself. You will be amazed how it will enrich your life and the life of people around you.