It is known that human is the social creature. It does not only mean that you just interact with other humans. It also does mean you need to set up the safety perimeter (security is the most essential human requirement) so that the enemy or a hungry lion does not come through and kill you or anyone of your relatives. Nowadays we may call this perimeter boundaries, your personal or psychological boundaries within which you feel safe.
Having your own boundaries, that you show when necessary, helps others to navigate through communication waters with you, understanding what you tolerate and what you do not, what you accept and what you may not. Boundaries help you maintain a healthy relationship, whatever kind of the relationship so that someone would not end up as a lion werewolf within your safety perimeter or you yourself would not occasionally kill them.
How do you show your boundaries? Do you show your boundaries on time?
Do you show your boundaries on time?
For many years I was a guy who did not stand for his own opinion, his own authentic way of thinking, acting, and living (Robert Glover: ‘No More Mister Nice Guy’). I sabotaged myself at work and in personal relationships gazillion times. I did let my managers (I truly hope the managers of people would dissolve with time, however, that will require people to change themselves, to take ownership of their lives) take over my vision, my plans, and initiatives and route in a completely different alien way to me. I ended up pleasing people, be that someone who was paying me money, or someone whom I loved or seemed to love. As a result, I was ruining not only my own vision, and my plans, but also my career, my self-esteem, and my health. I was full of stress. As a result, I was losing a job, a contract, or a personal relationship.
Does this sound familiar to you? In what way?
The fear of conflict.
I was afraid of conflicts with people. I even considered myself a peaceful man (although, up until now I consider myself a pacifist). Even though those were not the war conflicts with the actual murders. Unless you think deeper and imagine yourself killing your own nervous cells…
As long as humans exist there have been conflicts and there will be conflicts. Mostly the conflicts of interest of any sort.
Even with your beloved one, you may not always agree. What I was not realizing, though, is that it was okay to be that way. It was okay to co-exist, to live together, to work together while having different points of view on certain subjects, with your beloved one or with the manager, as long as we were showing respect to each other… The word ‘certain’ is significant here. It would be very hard to be long together if you had different points of view on most of the subjects for a long time. That is where the lion or an enemy with a spear comes inside your safety perimeter.
I was not accepting the idea of having different points of view even on certain subjects. I allowed myself to chafe, resent, take offense, break communication, shut down communication completely, wait for my opponent to be looking for the solutions, be sorry, feel disconnected, etc. Those were all my choices and actions, even though most of the time unconscious.
This was what psychologists call passive-aggressive behavior. The passive aggressive behavior is when you do not say immediately what is wrong, what you do not like, or what you feel, but show them that nothing has changed, that you seem to agree or accept what is happening or what they are saying and, much later, during another conflict or a simple misunderstanding you would remind them, full of rage, of their old sins.
“She is irritating me”. “He is irritating me”. I would rather shut up or would be looking at them as my enemy… or… like a resentful child at my displeased parent.
Unfortunately, such behavior does not help. This is a behavior of a Victim, whilst the other for you become automatically an Aggressor. And… you would be looking for a third party — the Rescuer (Karpman Drama Triangle). The drama here is that all three of you would be changing the roles periodically keeping this unbalanced destructive relationship in a perfect balance, just draining the energy of everyone involved, usually not only the three of you…
As you may understand, such behavior actually worsens communication, thus, affecting your relationship. Usually, this is a learned behavior, like a habit of smoking or consuming coffee or sugar. It is in your own ability, though, and a good will to not use it or unlearn it.
Some would say to not react when someone says something to you that is against your morals, your values, etc.
“Oh, he is just in a bad mood”… Or… “She is just very tired”… “Oh, she is just a woman”… Or… “He is just a stupid idiot”…
These are the excuses, and the words that one may use to provoke defensive behavior at a minimum and a conflict at maximum. It is not about respect or being within healthy boundaries. Unless your opponent is an inadequate person with whom the conversation must stop, it is healthy and for your own benefit to deliver your message in a respectful way and to expect the same from them.
These can also be the voices in your own head once heard years ago, recorded by your brain, and now causing your unproductive and destructive behavior.
These can also be the words of your colleagues, friends, or parents trying to support you. What they do not realize though is that such ‘support’ comes with a price. The price that not only your opponent may pay but a big price that you may pay, for example, with your health issues accumulated over time, unless you do active sports regularly, or the price you both would pay, for example, with a broken relationship and the aftermath.
But what is even more important, is that you did not show your own boundaries on time, and did not respect their boundaries, thus, causing continuity of the conflict, you did not teach yourself how to build and maintain a healthy relationship. Thus, with a high probability, you would soon end up in a similar situation with someone else. A vicious cycle… Unless you learn to show your boundaries while being respectful to others.
Situation: They want you to stay longer
Your employer obliges you to stay and work longer than 9-to-5. They may wish that. However, it is in your own authority to decide when to leave the office or to stay and for how long. Then clearly deliver your message to them. You must act on that immediately, so that they know your boundaries, what you accept, and, most importantly, what you do not (Karen Pryor: ‘Don’t Shoot The Dog’). Certainly, there can be a contractual obligation. Nevertheless, it is in your authority to agree or disagree with that, for example, to request to change that article in your contract or, if no other alternative is found and you cannot accept the situation, to change your job.
Situation: Manager is not happy with the situation
The manager is not happy with the situation. They get emotional and raise their voice. You may automatically respond to them on the same ‘frequency’ if you learned to behave that way for years. This is where your hidden victim would show up. Instead, to be able to maintain a productive conversation, at least from your side, it is important to recognize your own feelings and, ideally, the feelings of your opponent.
Are you sure your feelings are not just your thoughts?
Ask yourself: What do you feel? You may feel, for example, sadness when the manager did not notice the results of your work. You may feel anger when the manager accused you of something, etc.
Plan of action:
- It is important to tell them your observation of the situation without accusations, excuses, or raising your voice, maintaining respect.
- Then tell them about your feelings, and recognize their feelings, so that they know they are heard.
- Then either request or suggest an action that would be suitable for yourself and, ideally, for them.
Once the person is heard (they hear from you the words recognizing their feelings, what they may feel) in most cases they calm down. Leave their emotional swings to them. This is their personal responsibility. Certainly, this is not an option to live and work in such an environment if similar situations persist regularly. It is up to you to stay, if you accept such behavior, or leave if you cannot or do not.
Start with yourself
Start with yourself first. Respect yourself. They will respect you. All of this may, and probably will take time just like any change management: time to recognize your thoughts, time to observe your own reactions, time to observe and change your own behavior patterns right on time, before you ‘help’ them to build up the mess.
Either way, meditate and breathe deeply and slowly with your stomach. Slow down before you respond. Walk, exercise. Go to the shower to relax and clean your aura. Drink warm water during the day. Eat food that has its own skin. Go to sleep before 23:00. Maintain your healthy boundaries.
You will be fine. Amen.
P.S. Here are some sources that once were very helpful in the situations I was going through: